Sexual abuse

Today was not the worst and definitely not the best I’m still alive so with that being said I’m blessed, as I sit back and contraplate on Love & Pain all I can think about is betrayal and manipulation and the games people play and how they feed off your energy whether it’s negative or positive, it will make you powerful or it will drain you,going through abuse (physical sexual ,mentally, emotional )I can’t believe I’m standing strong for a moment I thought  my life had no meaning,love or understanding we all have a purpose I just found out mine I have dealt with pain in many forms,I know people have me around just for laughs my money to look Superior or sex.The closest love I ever felt was from my children and even then they’re half of me I mean I did Birth them never really felt love outside of that,5 years ago I learn how to love naturally and I feel hard I was looking bad feelings of my childhood has resurfaced I felt the body language the vibes of those around me the laughter,the snares and Judgment I hear both the gosip and laughter. It’s funny how people think that you’re so naive but to me there’s Beauty in pain and which gives us strength to evolve however I don’t hold grudges I just take my lessons and go forgiving is hard and surviving is tough.I thought I had won the fight but in all actuality I buried my feelings and blocked out my thoughts and put all my energy into my children and made it my business to give them everything I dreamed of as well as their own desires,but it’s then I realized I love them hard and was very over protective to a point my personal life took a backseat, I didn’t trust men around my kids and when I did have a serious relationship I was ok with leaving my mate home with my children I’d rush home and as each one of them questions like are you ok?, Did anyone touch you?, To this day I keep a close eye on their father’s I mean it was family that did it to me so you never know, secondly I realized in my relationships I had an authority problem didn’t like for a man to raise his tone or bark orders at me that automatically sent me in a rage.when it comes to sex and being intimate I’m totally emotionally detached but I developed skills in which I can make magic you would feel loved as if your the only one but for me it was fun cause I’m adventurous and spontaneous plus their was no boundaries, I mean I could create and play out the perfect fantasy and often I had people mind,body, soul that I didn’t want, how dangerous that is cause everyone can’t handle certain things mentally and you could end up hurting yourself or others. My sexual abuse caused me and identity crisis, abandonedment issues,self esteem issues, insecurities, power struggles and often lonely. I have grown alot and I now love myself and able to heal my wounds well some of them,it’s hard being both a rape baby and a victim of sexual abuse so I’m writing an memoir about my life in detail so hopefully I can encourage those who are lost and hurt and help them to transform into loving,fearless, powerful beings,spiritual healing is also important so hopefully we can journey on this path as one.

Wishing you lots of love and light😘