By LiaJuana Clark

I remember as if it was yesterday smelling the aroma of the brisk air which let me know that winter is approaching, I always felt like I could smell snow “funny huh”, neither less I began to gaze out the window watching the leaves fall to the ground with admiration of the colors contraplating that I didn’t want to be beautiful and vibrant then die like those leaves, wanting to be rescued from the agony in which I endured just wanting a sigh of relief but I wasn’t even close so with that being said let me explain to you my story.

I remember as far back as five years of age, dealing with several emotions but the one that stood out the most was fear. I was living with my paternal grandmother who appeared to be Caucasian, her hair was long jet black and silky straight when wet extremely curly, she had to been like 5’8 very busty and hippy with no ass, her face was angelic so beautiful, she was a jack of all trades I’m talking several hustles, many titles and wore them all, she was formerly an prostitute and she earned enough money to switch to the dope game not your typical grandmother I’m sure, she had several hoods on lock I mean even the mail carrier was purchasing. My grandmother didn’t believe in laziness either you work, hustle or go to school that was law, although love wasn’t really displayed I knew it was somewhere. On top of all that my grandmother displayed some behaviors that mostly startled me, she was very co-dependent on alcohol I mean she would buy 4 gallons at a time and so would her spouse, at one point she would appear as an earth angel other times it was Lucifer himself in the flesh, honestly I didn’t know what I was dealing with, she would become very aggressive and abusive towards everyone but my siblings and I caught it the most especially my younger sister, I never knew why until my early 20’s and only then did I receive an sincere apology and death shortly came later.

Living in this household my siblings and I endured so many traumatic experiences it was like the house of horrors, let me explain we dealt with sexual, emotional, psychological, verbal and physical abuse it seem as though it would never let up, I’ve been locked in closets, tied to the bed, placed in the tub and beaten with an extension cord soak and wet for little or no reason at all, so we were too frighten to actually act out of sorts. Now I know by now you’re like what the fuck, yeah my sentiments exactly. Now let me talk to you for a minute, I have some uncles and male cousins that’s truly sick as fuck, these individuals was molesting us on an constant basis, first time I seen or sucked a dick was at 5 years of age and guys wonder why I call myself ‘the soul snatcher” but we will get to that later, like I was saying this went on until I was 10 years of age, actually one of my grandmother boyfriends is the one of two that perform oral sex on me between ages 7 or 8 years of age and I pissed right in his mouth and started to laugh, they had me so dysfunctional I started taking nudes of myself I know just terrible don’t worry about judgment I totally get it anyhow my sister broke silence about the abuse and the reaction left me perplexed, I mean they were enraged accused her of lying, attention seeking you name it, I know that had to be a dark place to be in as well as lonely, I’ve never felt so powerless and I still carry the burden of not defending nor protecting her, they compare and contrast us so much that were strained even to this date now don’t get me wrong my sister loves me dearly and always been my protector I can just feel the distance between us which saddens me deeply. In our childhood years she willingly took the blame for my mistakes all cause she hated to see me in pain oh how fearless she was I admired and appreciated her for that, Once we reached our adolescent years she became even more protective she fought all my battles and won my younger sister was a force to be reckoned with I tell you that much even more so until this day.

I was always a loner yet popular, I really was never the partying type I enjoyed stimulating my mental more than anything so I had a thing for literature, I also was quite observant I had a thing for checking out behaviors and feeling people energy at an young age some people felt as though I was paranoid but in all actuality cautious was more like it, I couldn’t trust no one especially family.

I recall one winter between thanksgiving and Christmas my uncle came to visit as usual to have his way with us then turn around and steal money and gifts, but this particular holiday season my sister decided to get vengeful, so she took this man hat filled it up with snow then continued as she tied my uncle to our coffee table, I’m not gone lie I was laughing but extremely terrified and all I heard was I’m gone make this table fall on him, My response to that was I’m about to hurry and fall asleep but who was I fooling I wanted to see the plan through and I did he tried getting up and couldn’t he was so mad I tightly shut my eyes he tried getting up and everything flip 0ver, man that was something. Well back to me by the time I was 14 years of age everything manifested any deep rooted emotions no longer hidden it was truly on display, my attitude was horrible, far as my personality it was warm and kindred very childlike simply loving yet inviting., my self –esteem was shot to hell by now I’m logical instead of emotional to all relationships so I appeared standoffish yet frosty towards people, I’ve dealt with identity crisis, sexuality issues, abandonment and trust issues clearly I was lost but the mask I wore and the smile I cracked was my security blanket and it kept me safe from others to be able to read my story, actually I’m misread even up to this day. For so many years I thought I had control of it all and told myself daily that I’m not affected by no situation from my past, my denial was real, I realized that my abuse and environment affected me so bad on so many levels when I looked up my life as I knew it was in shambles, I have many issues as you can see so I will explain to you how my traumatize childhood affected my sexuality and intimate relationships” put your seatbelt on”, you’re in for a ride. I guess I’ll start by saying how I started using sex as an weapon and the power it had in itself, I would say this I don’t feel no emotion before or during even there after intercourse, I simply use it for gain but of course I had plenty of time to mind fuck my targets, I always create fantasy and adventure I supply the comfort down from massages to establishing an false sense of trust, I was taught it was simply about the money and power never love. So I felt like that’s all I had for an long time, my intellect and my vagina was my most powerful tools I had so I brought it all to capitalize never questioned if I’m hurting anyone. My sex life was fiery and intimate I mean people thought I was loving or in love with them just fun and business without them acknowledging but seeing that I was talented in my endeavors it could have been hard to concentrate, I had good sense of feeling people similar to me who also was an victim of traumatization and it was easy for me to be their security blanket and I will explain why, men who undergo sexual abuse are really conflicted like women they have problems of identity or sexuality and you can bet their truly embarrass so I guess you can say I’m best of both worlds I’m their boyfriend/ girlfriend so that its less complex I guess, I penetrate them just like a man would cause their use to that feeling and at times crave it so I supply it, so with that being said I’m the safe deposit box to their fears and secrets they also satisfy me and that’s my way of getting even with man it’s truly confusing but I tried my best to explain. I’m a bi sexual female so it really don’t bother me I just switch from LiaJuana to Le Juan and it go down. At first I didn’t recognize that I was an abuser until my first love gave me a look and for the first time in a while I felt someone pain and the look of despair and embarrassment told it all damn I felt fucked up the very thing I hated I turned into deep only differences they were adults and choose to engage but me using their weakness as my strengths and executing my plan was foul and to this day I struggle to forgive myself. I will say this I currently have several individuals that have codependency issues when it comes to that and when rejected their both confused and angry then I feel conflicted knowing I have to deliver it’s like my consequence is grand.

Now let’s dive right into my next issue my identity crisis, as I stated earlier on I lived with my paternal grandmother who image didn’t appear as an woman of color nor did my aunts, my uncles looked bi racial of course. I’m Carmel complexion 5’4 beautiful naturally curly hair, brown eyes perfect symmetrical teeth but then I was high yellow nearly white so yes I was lost but I also found it intriguing and annoying, I often got tease and taunted in grade school due to my appearance they often made accusations of me being adopted which made me become isolated and question my whole existence but I also had some people who admired my look calling me pocohantas.its more to this story but I will elaborate later.

Let’s talk about my abandonment issues, I have grown to be both possessive and territorial to all my relationships, Of course I’m not an open person emotionally but when I do love I tend to love hard but once that’s transpired it’s often hard for me to detach. See I’ve never really had no one simply to myself it’s was always someone else or death and imprisonment was the cause in which I had an loss to them all which left me in total despair, so with that being said I really don’t allow that access for others to get close due to me being tired of the constant disappointments and heartbreaks. I feel this sense of feeling came from both of my parent’s incarceration, my mother did fed time on drug charges, guns etc. and my father in state penitentiary for rape and kidnapping for a long time I was angered considering the charges like so you mean to tell me all this was more important than me especially my dad so I always felt little to no value and to this day pussy run his world and it’s still his first love honestly he never put me first. Now my mom returned home from prison and came to retrieve my sister and I my grandmother sort of warned me about her didn’t really know if what she said was truth or lies at that point in my life but anyway we ended up living with relatives which was very disturbing for me but anyway my sister immediately started opening up to my mother about everything but for some strange reason I was beyond pissed saying to myself she bet not ask me shit so from that day forth I immediately blocked her out far as I’m concern family are the only ones screaming I love you and instantly turn around and harming you plus I honestly didn’t know her and truth be told I didn’t care to and I’m more than sure she felt it. I can sense the tension between us, when she spoke I heard deceit on that alone caused me to challenge both her stories and actions some led to verbal arguments than it escalated to her putting her hands on me part of me to this day feels as though she sought out on taking her vengeance on me considering it was my family who harmed my sister but maybe if she had took the time out to learn people we wouldn’t of had that pain inflicted upon us or moreover made proper decisions knowing she had children, I found it very much so intriguing how she had time to develop an relationship with a man in Philly before bonding with us anyhow the fights are ongoing and my rage is enlarging, I mean have you ever felt so much pain that your eyes could no longer create tears or feel anything majority of the time when I got like that my mind would be in far place with the stars and planets and only my shell would be in the physical and that was quite frequent. I could never understand why her past was chasing me and she really thought I was looking for dirt on her it’s like sweetie the time it matter is currently over perhaps you should have been honest with your children or child from jump cause one thing I can’t stand is not being able to defend myself or being caught off guard, so meanwhile I’m getting approach by different people with all sorts of accusations which left me appalled so I go to her about it she instantly in defense mode of course seeing how my vibe is with her who can blame her so we exchange words then she tells me she hate me and I’m like finally some truth every word and action confirmed that statement but like I was saying that was my train of thought then and ignorant I truly was but I will discuss later why I say just that. Far as my father concern, Once he got home he did come to see me our relationship wasn’t your typical father / daughter bond well anyway he did 17 years so I instantly wanted to show him a good time so I introduce him to females, I even orchestrated his flings myself, my dad and I hung out in strip clubs together ,he smoked his weed and I always had a bottle and of course he match me but one day I told myself like you started this off wrong but that fast life / night life was my domain plus I had no language of love and this was my form of communication and on a side note he’s my father so he should take leadership and guide our relationship but of course that seed never went into fruition, I mean it was mind bottling how I friend zoned my dad, we hung out at sport bars or relatives house and watch the game, eat and drink on Sundays shortly after he was back incarcerated and I know his woman had something to do with it but as usual I took both the hit and the blame. The duration of my father incarceration I spent majority of it defending myself against allegations from my family and his woman now as I stated I’m fully responsible for the flings all that other shit they can miss me with and I let it be known see I have no tolerance for dumb shit at the end of the day he my parent so with that being said I can only do what he allow period and she stupid for thinking he was gone be faithful after doing 17 years and he wrong for playing on her loyalty and love far as I’m concern I was bonding where I sought fit, So as you can see dysfunctional relationships started early on which is no surprise why my intimate relationships don’t go so well, I have 6 children and four different fathers not like I plan for this just laid out like that and no I don’t believe in abortions either way I love these men in a way they would never understand they provided me with a gift with the help of the most high serving me individuals who will always love me and which I can love back loneliness was a fear yet it was safe. I was pregnant with my first son at the age of 14 the father ghosted me during my pregnancy and years after that but as of right now he’s in my son life and yes my son is currently 17 and yes I will finish this later.

One thought on “A Bloody Rose

  1. Pingback: Cokianna

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